Excavate your Sunday best from the back of your closet and brush up on your ten commandments, because today my brethren, we are talking Conclave!
Ralph Fiennes plays Lawrence, a Cardinal who is bestowed with the unforgiving task of helming the election of a new pope, after the old one dies unexpectedly. The titular conclave drags out, as a constant barrage of juicy discoveries impacts the distribution of votes. Many a twist, turn, and gasp-worthy revelation lay ahead. Most, almost comically, are sourced by Lawrence’s assistant, who solemnly saunters onscreen like clockwork to give him the 411.
The cardinals gossip like schoolgirls theorising about who will be crowned prom queen. Even the dining hall tables are segregated like a high school cafeteria. We have the Italians, the Spanish, the English, the French, the geeks, the stoners, the jocks…
Within the hallowed halls of the Vatican reside some strong personalities. The fabulous Stanley Tucci plays Bellini, a liberal with a penchant for respecting faiths and a distaste for repression. We have Tedesco, an uptight Italian who believes the church will crumble should it not return to its Roman roots, and Tremblay, a slimy son of a gun brought to life by John Lithgow, whose presence is too much of a joy for us to harbour any feelings of disgust towards him.
The Vatican is decorated like a luxe hotel – I’m betting the sisters turn up the sheets every day and leave a little chocolate on the pillow. Check out the marvellous two-tone marble walls! You gotta give it to the Catholics, they know their interior design!
Conclave, 2025. Directed by Edward Berger.
It’s such a hoot seeing the cardinals engage in modern day activities. They gather to smoke cigarettes and leave a pile of butts in their wake, whilst a stray opts to sit by himself and send a few text messages. Tremblay even uses a Nespresso machine! It’s like watching a dog walk on its hind legs!
One of the highlights of the film is observing Lawrence and Bellini’s pow wows. The men are so lived in and down to earth, you just wanna meet them for a bottomless brunch! Fienne’s stirring, powerful performance is a career best, and if the academy had any desire to maintain the pretence of being a credible institution, they’d engrave his statuette immediately!
The film’s tone lands somewhere between 12 Angry Men and Doubt. The script, filled with nuance, heart and soul, simmers with a political undercurrent. I don’t know about you, but I’ve been noticing that movies look really bad now. Conversely, Conclave’s visuals are refreshingly sumptuous; the colour red has never looked so lovely and rich! The opulent costuming lead me to develop some serious robe and zucchetto envy!
Fratelli miei, Conclave is not to be missed! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to dig around for the rosary I was gifted for my first communion…. It must be around here somewhere….