Two hours and twelve minutes ago, I was just like you. I saw a clip of the Vaginoplasty song on Twitter. I saw acquaintances give the movie two stars as the academy doled out 13 nominations to Emilia Perez. I rolled the idea of a Spanish-language French crime musical around in my mind endlessly. This ostensible piece of hot garbage won the Cannes jury prize? How can it be? I need to be able to have an opinion so badly, it is SUFFOCATING me!
Kid, save yourself an evening and rewatch Xanadu instead.
Emilia Perez is the brainchild of disoriented Frenchman Jacques Audiard, inspired by the Boris Razon book Écoute. The film centres on lawyer Rita Mora Castro (Zoe Saldaña), who, fed up with defending criminals for a meagre pittance of a salary, meets with crook Manitas Del Monte (Karla Sofía Gascón) in a van that feels like a spooky mobile H&R Block. Del Monte’s mouth barely opens to blurt out a feeble rhythm, one of many baffling scatterings of acapella that litter the film, offering Castro millions if she can find a doctor to perform gender confirmation surgery. In an extraordinary act of bad taste, Del Monte unzips her tracksuit to reveal breasts, which coaxes a pearl—clutching gasp out of Castro.
Emilia Pérez, 2025. Directed by Jacques Audiard.
The musical numbers either edge in very timidly, or announce themselves with a deafening blow that makes you jump a little. There is a similar extremity of difference in the vocal performances. The vocals are either covered in a thick autotune lacquer (even the children are given the Countess Luann treatment), or they whisper sing like a shy 14 year old auditioning for X Factor.
In what is the most delightfully absurd number of the film, Castro consults with a surgeon;
‘Very nice to meet you, I’d like to know about sex change operation’
‘Man from woman or woman to man?’
‘Man to woman’
‘From penis to vaginaaaaaaa!’
‘VAGINOPLASTYYYYYY!’, patients sing in a gleeful chorus, as they are wheeled around the hospital. Think – if Busby Berkley directed One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.
Post surgery, Del Monte directs her powder compact mirror beneath her hospital gown, tearfully giggling with relief and glee.
‘Senora Emilia Perez. Pleased to meet you.’
Emilia Pérez, 2025. Directed by Jacques Audiard.
4 years later, Perez is reunited with her ex, Jessi (Selena Gomez, who co-star Sofía Gascón referred to as a ‘rich rat’ in a since deleted tweet). Here, Gomez is fitted with a very noticeable blonde wig that was probably swiped from an old shoebox under Nicole Kidman’s bed. I feel so bad for her in every scene she’s in! The poor thing was given nothing to work with. ‘My pussy still hurts when I think of you’, she growls over the phone to her lover, Gustavo. Arriving home after a clandestine outing, she pauses and flashes her breasts to him in the driveway. I must say, if just thinking about him made her pussy hurt, she strutted to the front door with extraordinary grace!
The rest of the film centres on Emilia’s efforts to make Mexico City a better place, which is just plain boring! Snooze! Give me another medical musical number, don’t be shy! The film takes itself so seriously, swallowing up the moments of entertaining absurdity almost completely. It is not fun! It is laborious! It is like watching a ramshackle dinghy sink!
The musical numbers make for a clumsy, confusing movie experience that is both absurd and sincere, saccharine and tactless in equal measure. Two stars!